I’d be a millionaire if I had a dollar for every time I said, “Why Didn’t I Think Of That?”  You know  what sucks though?  Coming up with an idea isn’t really the hard part.  Over the years I’ve had tonzzz of brainstorming sessions in my personal think tank where I’ve invented dozens of gadgets and gizmos and thingamajigs.  For me, taking those ideas and seeing them come to fruition as a marketable product is where I get stuck.  I’m sure I’m not alone because without the proper resources, i.e., experienced business gurus, advertising experts and financial deep pockets, the dream of hitting a home run out of the park and into my bank account typically becomes nothing more than a big a strike out at the plate!

I recently spent some time in the Berkshires and stumbled upon an adorable mom-and-pop novelty store.  (I love little, local shops that carry unique knick-knacks.)  I found myself drawn to many trinkets, each one more whimsical than the next, however my eyes lit up when I came across a book titled, The Klutz Book of Inventions… Where Brilliant Meets Ridiculous.  Right away, I knew this book had unpolishedness written all over it.  One hundred ninety eight glossy pages of deeply dumb inventions.  I couldn’t wait to pay the $19.99 and begin to study it cover to cover.

Why Didn’t I Think Of That And That And That And That?

If I knew you’d read this entire blog, I would happily list all the inventions that made me laugh (and then made me cry because I can’t believe I didn’t think of it first) However, in and effort to keep you interested I’ll only highlight a few of my faves.

HELIUM BUBBLE WRAP:  Sounds stupid?  I don’t think so.  The more bubble wrap you use to protect your shit, the less the box weighs when you go to ship it.  HELLO!  To me it sounds brilliant.  I’d be depositing wads of stupid cash in the bank all day long…. If only it had been my idea.  Why didn’t I think of that?

HANDS-FREE SANDWICH HOLDER:  How annoying it is to stop what you’re doing in order to eat lunch? Or dinner? Or a snack?  I’d say it’s pretty eff’ing annoying.  Multi-taskers like me would eat this up; No pun intended!  Check out the picture.  It’s self-explanatory.  I think it’s genius and I’d totally buy it.  Why the hell didn’t I think of that?

STICK-ON SUCTION CUP GLASSES:  I’m rarely without my glasses.  Even sunglasses.  I wear them morning, noon and night.  After a while the back of my ears hurt from the glasses pressing up against my skull and sometimes if I dose off in bed without first removing my glasses, the frames inevitably get bent and become crooked.  The Stick-On Suction Cup Glasses eliminate that problem.  You’ll look like a total moron, but who cares?  I’ve looked way worse before.  I want a pair ASAP!  Actually, I want multiple pairs if they come in a variety of colors.  Why the fuck didn’t I think of that?

ICE PLATES: This might be the best invention of all time.  Imagine never having to empty the dishwasher again.  Now imagine never having to even load the dishwasher in the first place. Sounds too good to be true right?  Wrong!  How about a special ice cube tray molded to look like plates and silverware!  Fill with water, freeze it and then pop it all out.  Eat your meal on a frozen plate with frozen utensils and when you’re done just rinse everything with hot water and the dishes magically disappear!  Clean-up is completely a non-issue!  I bet you’re thinking, “Seriously?  Is that real?”  Yup.  It is.  UHHH-MAZZZING, huh?  Best. Idea. Ever.   Whyyyyyyyyy didn’t I think of that?

Okay, here’s one more.  It’s kinda cool for those of us with kids who have trouble getting along in the back seat of a car when you’re schlepping them all around town.  For sibs who can easily get a rise out of each other merely by a look or a glance, SIBLING BLINDERS takes “out of sight out of mind” to the next level!  The book pitches it as “what you can’t see, can’t annoy you” and I think it’s a super idea.  One suggestion though…  I’m no branding whiz, but if this product ever becomes a legitimate thing, maybe someone oughta re-think the faces of the company.  Perhaps I’m mistaken, but to me these faces look more than just annoyed.  They look downright mizzzz!   It makes me wonder why the inventor didn’t think of that!

Why Didn’t I Think Of That?  CUZ IT’S A DUMB IDEA

The book has plenty of neat innovations that do make you say, “Why didn’t I think of that?”  But it’s also filled with a lot of stuff that’s so absurd it serves only for the purpose of making you laugh, which to me is priceless!  I can’t imagine anyone would pay big money for some of these things but I’m still willing to give credit to the visionary minds that came up with the ideas in the first place.

Soundproof Underwear?  A Snooze-Equipped Smoke Alarm?  Stilt Crutches?  Kitchen Tool Belts?  Fruitcake Dumbbells?  A Shower-Mounted Toothbrush?  Marshmallow Candle Cookers?  Turn Signal Earrings?  See what I mean?  Some are just ludicrous.

 The Very Lonely Person’s Pillow?  Actually, this one was so silly I laughed out loud when I saw the picture.  Now I think it’s hilarious!  Who knows?  Maybe it would make a great gag gift for a friend.  What do you think?

There was one invention that made me shake my head in disbelief.  The Classic Fiction Bathroom Tissue comes with the catch phrase, “you’ll be itching to get back to your book.”  Timeless literature printed on toilet paper so you can absorb all the culture you want until your heart’s content.

I mean, does an idea get any more unpolished?  Then I remembered a friend of mine once said to me, “Silver, I love your blogs.  I catch up on them when I’m on the toilet.  It’s the perfect reading material for the bathroom.”   At first I wasn’t sure what to make of that comment, but since I try not to take myself (or the topics I’m blogging about) too seriously, I decided to chalk it up as an unpolished compliment!

Afterwards, those remarks got my wheels spinning.  How crazzzzy would it be if I could get my blogs printed on toilet paper?  Screw the classics, they take forever to read anyway and how long do you really need to sit on the toilet?  My posts are the perfect length to pass the time while you’re doing your business.

I know sometimes I tend to go overboard and stick my foot in my mouth, but can you just imagine if we lived in a world where the thoughts that started out in my head ended up stuck in someone’s ass?  You’d be wiping your ass with my words, “LITERATURE-LY”

 LITERALLY.

C’MON

THAT’S FUNNY! 

 WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT SOONER?

JUST TO LET YOU KNOW… If you are interested in checking out The Klutz Book of Inventions in greater detail and you aren’t planning on being in the Berkshires anytime soon to pick it up in person, you can purchase your own copy by finding it online at Amazon.  Additionally, if you go to the website, there is a brief summary and a short background about the authors, John Cassidy and Brendan Boyle.  The coolest part about the book is the “Make Your Own Invention Contest.”  If you are someone who’s always coming up with bright ideas, you can send in a sketch and a description for review.  The contest is never-ending so there’s no deadline.  Page 188 in the book remains blank as it waits for the next best thang.

It doesn’t matter how brilliant or how ridiculous, if they like the concept it could appear in a future edition.  I’m thinking about submitting one of my gazillion ideas.  If it makes it to print, maybe this time instead of ME saying it, it’ll leave YOU saying, “Why didn’t I think of that???”