This Blog Is About Nothing

I had a conference call with my marketing girl this morning.  She’s been encouraging me to blog more; Post more shit all over social media.  She wants me on a posting schedule.  She told me I should be actively engaged five times a week in order to get my name out there.  In order to spread the unpolished word.  In order to create a buzz.  

Creating a buzz I can do.  Two and a half scotches creates the perfect buzz.  It’s the FIVE TIMES A WEEK part I’m a bit more concerned about.  

Five times a week is A LOT!  Maybe some days are full blown blogs.  Maybe other days it’s just a quick blurb.  Maybe there’s a day reserved for a shout out to a fellow starving writer blogger.  

But isn’t it gonna be annoying to bombard my followers with that much traffic?  I want people to want to read my shit.  I don’t want them to think it’s a homework assignment that they have to catch up on.  

She told me I’m wrong.  She said if I’m not being annoying, another blogger is.  I gotta consistently keep at it and I gotta stay relevant.  

Relevant?

 Well what if I don’t have anything to say that’s relevant?  I’m not gonna just write to write.  It’s gotta be about something.  It can’t be about nothing.  

And then the unpolished lightbulb went off.  

Maybe I can write about nothing. 

Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld created a mega-fucking-empire based on nothing.  If they did it, can’t I?

Okay, I know what you’re thinking…. She must be stoned.  Or drunk.  Or both if she just had the brass silver balls to compare herself to the likes of Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld.  

Here’s my answer to that:  I’m not stoned or drunk at this precise moment, but surely by the time I click the publish button I will be.  And about having big balls… We already know the answer to that even though I would nevvvvvverrrr seriously compare myself to those two.  I’m not worthy.  Not even remotely.  Not even close or in the same ballpark or zip code or country.  I shouldn’t even be allowed in the same sentence.  Everrrrrrrrr.  

Because you see, Larry David is a Somebody.  Seinfeld is a Somebody.  

I’m an unpolished Nobody.

When a Somebody writes about nothing, it ends up being Something.  

So it begs the question:  What happens when a “Nobody” writes about nothing?  Does it end up being nothing or does it end up being even worse than nothing?  Like a double negative of nothing.  Like a less than zero nothing.  Like such a huge nothing that it actually becomes……..

wait for it……

a SOMETHING !!??!!

Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld are now synonymous with nothing.  That’s fucking brilliant.  Or fucking stupid.  Or maybe both.  Either way, I wanna be brilliant for creating nothing too.  Or for creating something or for creating anything!!!!!!  Who wouldn’t? 

Except they are Somebodies.  I’m still a Nobody.

But herein lies another unpolished question:

 Would you rather be a brilliant Nobody or a stupid Somebody? 

JUST TO LET YOU KNOW… Nah, forget it.  I was gonna tell you one other thing but, it’s nothing!