Last night I celebrated my son’s tenth birthday. An unpolished foodie since birth, the double digit guest of honor requested a fancier than usual meal at a fancier than usual restaurant. No problem kiddo; wish granted! The pleasure was all mine.

We arrived at the fine dining establishment and sat immediately. Not wanting to waste time with idle small talk, the birthday boy instead began to intently study the menu while scarfing down the impressive basket of bread, rolls and crackers.

Lobster, shrimp and a 12 oz. filet were must-haves. Caesar salad, French onion soup and Blue Point oysters were not mandatory but my kid was certainly willing to indulge in a few bites and/or slurps if the dishes happened to appear on the table. Options were heavily weighed before deciding between shoestring or truffle fries. Wild mushrooms are always a win and don’t forget about the lobster mac-n-cheese, please!

Once his personal feast was finalized, it was my turn to give some deep thought to my entrée. Of course there were no bad choices, but I wasn’t locked on what to order. Still unsure, our server arrived and gave us a delectably descriptive run down of the specials leaving me with even more appealing options.

I hadn’t had lobster in ages so the sound of one broiled and stuffed with crabmeat really wet my appetite. I said to our server,“Okay I’ll think I’ll have the lobster. That’s what I’ll eat; but I only want a female.”  

When my son heard me insist upon a female crustacea, he inquisitively asked, “Why only a female; what’s the difference between the male and female lobsters?”

It was a fair and reasonable question and one I would have been happy to explain. As any shellfish enthusiast knows, a female lobster is much sweeter and juicier than her male counterpart. The roe and tomalley essence of a female lobster is soft and rich with flavor. Don’t you dare ignore this savory indulgence; I’ll lick that body cavity and suck on its goodness all day long!

As I began to answer his inquiry, I was interrupted by my eight-year old. “The difference is because of the penis and the vagina. Females have vaginas. Males have penises.”

His comment became the springboard for an unpolished debate if in fact lobsters do or do not have penises and vaginas. Though my gut knew it probably wasn’t likely lobsters had the same reproductive organs as humans, I must admit I wasn’t one-hundred percent sure! Needing to satisfy my newly peaked interest on this unpolished topic, I whipped out the iPhone to look it up but was again interrupted; this time by the logical birthday boy himself,

“MOM, YOU EAT VAGINA?”

OMG!  How’s that for unpolished innocence?

I’m convinced half the dining room heard him because the next thing I knew an influx of whiplashed heads and stares of shock directly pointed our way as I was spitting my mouthful of scotch across the entire table!

My ten-year old baby knows he can ask me anything and I’ll try to answer him honestly and openly but I was definitely thrown for a loop with that one! I kept reminding myself of the old saying, there are no stupid unpolished questions except perhaps the ones not asked! His question sure did make for an unpolishedly memorable birthday celebration! Truth be told, I wouldn’t want it any other way!

JUST TO LET YOU KNOW… Suffice it to say I came home from dinner and hightailed it to the computer so I could do some well needed research. I’m happy to report I now consider myself to be an unpolished expert in the field of lobsters and their genitalia or lack thereof. After my extensive fact-findings on the matter, I have concluded I am not an eater of the vagina after all! As suspected, lobsters don’t have vaginas or penises. Differentiating between the sexes can be done by examining the lobsters’ feathery appendages, otherwise known as swimmerets or pleopods. Swimmerets, which help lobsters swim are soft on females but male swimmerets are hard and bony! As far as sex is concerned, da lobstahs still know how to turn it up and throw it down despite the absence of the traditional lovemaking organs! Would you believe lobsters bang each other by way of the missionary position? Yup, it’s true! As part of the mating process, a male lobster mounts his bitch from behind and uses his walking legs to spin her body around to face him. Fanning each other with their swimmerets is part of the foreplay process and after about fifteen minutes the male lobster jacks his load into her seminal receptacle. If you don’t believe me, check out the video below for some good ol’ unpolished lobster lovin’.

It starts out slow but things heat up around the 1:35 minute mark. Enjoy!