The List Of Forty-Five @ Forty-Five

It seems like I’ve been turning forty-five for[rty-five] ever, but Thursday was the official milestone. Yup, September 14th; typically sandwiched right between one of the Jewish holidays or smack in the midst of an epic hurricane. Naturally, this year was no different!

A lot has happened in forty-five years. Though I’ve learned a ton, there’s still a load of shit that continues to baffle the hell out of me.

So without further adieu, below is a list I’ve compiled of forty-five questions, opinions, statements or unpolished fleeting thoughts that continue to cross my mind on a daily basis!

1. My frustration with people who are perpetually late has not subsided as I’ve gotten older. It still infuriates me when I have to wait on others who can’t get their act together to be prompt.
2.  I love having a signature scent. I’ve been wearing the same perfume for a zillion years and not a single day goes by without someone asking me what it is. If you know me, you’ve smelled me!It’s a combination of Keiko Mercheri Loukhoum Eau de Parfum and Keiko Mercheri Eau Poudree. It’s unpolishedly perfect!
3.  My experiences have led me to strongly believe death and divorce bring out the weird in people. Most just don’t know what to say, or what to do or how to act. The examples of the extremely odd behaviors I’ve encountered could be a 10,000 word exclusive blog post. (let me know if you want this topic addressed at a later date)
4. I have no idea what a geo-filter is. Not a clue.
5. Kindness Matters; especially in a town like Boca Raton where random acts of bitchiness, backstabbing, overprivilegedness and entitlement are stereotyped commonalities. But you know what matters more? Being HONEST. If you have an issue with one of your so-called friends, be kind enough to keep it real. Don’t talk behind their backs or throw them under the bus. Speak up and tell ’em they suck. Sometimes the best way to be kind is to be brutally honest and put that shit on the table. I’ve told a bunch of friends I think they suck. Sometimes it makes them suck less, sometimes it makes them suck more; but at least they know exactly how I feel.
6. Speaking of honesty, here’s a question: If you know a friend is blatantly lying to you; like flat out lying to your face, does it also make you an equally flat out liar if you don’t call them out? What’s the protocol on this?
7. Square or scround is the only acceptable shape when getting a manicure. Those pointed Kardashian finger fangs make zero sense to me.
8. What did we all say before “I can’t even” became the catchphrase of the 21st century?
9. Seriously, how did we survive being able to express our dismay over pretty much anything without saying, “I can’t even.”
10. Why do so many women hate the word moist? I have no aversion to it what-so-ever. It’s an adjective. CLICK HERE for the new Aussie moist commercial. It’s GREAT!
11. I’ve learned entertaining is not reciprocal. It amazes me  how many times I’ve opened my home to others without ever getting an invite in return.
12. “We’ll see” or “maybe” definitely, definitely, definitely means “No.” An unequivocal NO WAY JOSE!
13. Bald is the new black.
14. Does your Ride or Die person have to be the same person as your In Case Of Emergency?
15. If only adults were half as resilient as children!
16. Sometimes you have to just BE more than you have to DO.
17. I feel badly for those who start a sentence with, “I wish I had done…” If you wish it, than do it. You’ll be so happy you did.
18. I channel my inner Mr. T by pitying the fools who always try to keep up with the Joneses. Don’t they know that while the Joneses have the biggest house on the block and drive the fanciest cars around town they also have no furniture in their home, haven’t paid their mortgage in months and have a mediocre at best marriage despite what they post on Facebook for the world to see!
19. Speaking of Facebook….Wait! Don’t get me started. Instead just read my blog I wrote about the ones who use social media to chronicle every move they make. Utter highfalutin imbeciles. In the words of Demi Lavato, “Im sorry. Not sorry.”   CLICK HERE to watch Demi’s video.
20. While we are on the topic of utter imbeciles, how is it possible in an age of high-tech everything, some people don’t know how to spell correctly. Do they see the red line under their misspelled words and just ignore it? Poor grammar drives me nuts too. For instance, it’s not your welcome. It’s you’re welcome. We learned the difference in elementary school. WHY DO PEOPLE NOT KNOW THIS?
21. If I could choose a superpower I’d no doubt pick the ability to fly.
22. Do you ever wonder what talk show hosts whisper to their guests about right after they cut to the commercial break? I can’t help to think it’s likely the best part of the interview and we’re missing it. Right?
23. If I was a 6th grade girl I would definitely have a crush on my 6th grade son. Obviously I’m being biased, but I legit have a thing for my own flesh and blood. That’s wrong, right? I know. 2004 contacted me. They want the movie Birth back with Nicole Kidman!
24. Jack Wagner once said all he needs is a little more time to be sure how he feels. All I need is bread, olive oil and a big hunk of parmigiano reggiano.
25. When I play the game Fuck, Marry, Kill I always choose Rachael Ray to kill. She’s been nails on a chalkboard for me since day one.
26. I think about my loved ones who have passed away all the time. I might not talk about it often, but they’re always on my mind.
27. There is no question life since Netflix is fan-fucking-tastic but let us not forget life before Netflix included the likes of Six Feet Under and The Sopranos.
28. I suspect you just had a flashback to the last scene in the diner when the television went black and you gasped out loud! It’s a never forget kind of moment, huh?
29. So yes, Netflix! Netflix and I spend a lot of hours together. A lot.  A lot.  A LOT. We’re together on the couch, in the bed and sometimes if we still haven’t gotten sick of each other, we’ll connect on my iPhone in public! We’ve certainly gotten to know each other well and have become close companions. My twin brother was brotherly enough to let me know Netflix & Chill has an entirely different meaning than I thought. I think Netflix and I should see other people so I’m branching out and spending time with Hulu now.
30. If I had unlimited funds, one of the luxuries I’d afford myself would be to have my hair professionally shampooed as often as possible. The head massage is pure heaven. I just don’t understand the part about the “cool rinse.” Who opts to have a cool rinse at the end? I want piping hot water at the beginning, middle and end. Every time. No exceptions. Period.
31. Everyone should have a safe word. Refer to my last blog if you need further clarification.
32. Dead or alive, some of my unpolished dinner party guests would include Robin Williams, Louie CK, Guy Fieri, Chuck Todd, Anderson Cooper, Ann Coulter, Ellen Degeneres, Princess Diana, Mark Wahlberg, Carol Burnett, Omarosa Manigault, Rosie O’Donnell, Sean Spicer, Jon Voight, George Carlin, Jon Stewart, Neil Patrick Harris, James Caan, Gary Busey, Dr. Ruth Westheimer, Judge Judy and Sigmund Freud. I’d pour myself the biggest glass of scotch and just watch the unpolishedness explode.
33. I don’t understand when you’re in the middle of a major text messaging session and then the other person stops replying. I mean, were we done? I didn’t think we were done! Isn’t it comparable to being on the phone one minute and then getting hung up on mid sentence? There’s gotta be some kind of etiquette on this.
34. Cream rises to the top. True friends should be valued, recognized and never taken for granted. Quality is what matters. I’ve skimmed the fat from my cup o’ friendships and poured out some of the ones who seem to perpetually glom and energy suck the life out of me.  Bye Felicia.
35. Though I can admit there’s much I’m cynical about, love is not one of them. While it might be rare, I whole-heartedly believe true love exists. If and when you find it, don’t let it go; I know I won’t!
36. I wish more parents would admit their kids can sometimes be assholes. I roll my eyes until I’m dizzy at the folks who seem to think their children are cut from the cloth of perfection.
37. Why are there people in this world who still smoke cigarettes?
38. In an age of Uber, MiRide and Lyft there is absolutely no reason why anyone should ever, ever, ever drive drunk. If you drive drunk, you’re a moron.
39. We are nothing without our health. And good health requires laughter. Norman Lear said, “laughter adds years to your life.” So laugh. All the time. Every day.
40. Tattoos. Not my thing, but if it were I’d get inked with a unique drawing of a half angel-half devil.
41. Caller ID still is and shall remain the best invention of all mankind.
42. Has tipping gotten more difficult over the years? Salons: if your hair or nail person is the owner of the establishment does the tip amount change versus the employee who just rents space to work there? What about the shampoo person? Remember when two dollars did the trick? Valet Parking: if it costs twenty bucks to valet your car, do you have to tip on top of that? If you go to Publix (where shopping is a pleasure) and the young attendant helps you to the car but is wearing a clearly marked tag that says:”Please No Tipping” do you still try to give the guy a tip? Restaurants: if you order take out and pick it up yourself, do you tip differently than you would if someone showed up at your door with the food?
43. While we are on the topic of money…..I think I might need to devote an entire article on gift giving when it comes to Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. How much are you giving? I don’t know. How much are you giving? Well, we were invited with the kids, so it’s different than if just two of us were invited. I know, but they invited my kids even though they aren’t going so should it be less or should it be more? I’m not going at all so what should I send? I wasn’t invited to the service; just the party. Does that change the amount I need to give? 
44. A well-fitted bra and freshly tweezed eyebrows make all the difference.
45. JUST TO LET YOU KNOW…. In the past, when I thought about my life at forty-five, I didn’t necessarily think this is how it would have unfolded. That said, I’m pretty sure where I am now is exactly where I’m supposed to be! Thanks to everyone for the continued love and unpolished support!