Unpolished Turducken

JUST TO LET YOU KNOW… Turducken is a dish which consists of a chicken stuffed into a duck stuffed into a turkey all cooked at once and served together to be eaten in one bite. In unpolished words, it’s a mouthful of three birds which have absolutely nothing to do with each other.

That said, and with Thanksgiving just under our belts, turducken is the perfect title for today’s blog. I’m about to spew out a bunch of my most recent unpolished thoughts; all of which have absolutely nothing to do with each other!

1. Why do people think of scallions and shallots like ugly step children? I think both vegetables are unsung heroes and should be treated with more respect.
2. Venmo? Um, no. If you want my money I’ll give you cash or write a check.
3. How is it possible to spend $350 at the supermarket and still have nothing to make for dinner?
4. Speaking of the supermarket, is it just me or do you feel like a fish out of water when you have to run into a grocery store that isn’t your regular base? For some reason, it’s like walking into unchartered territory and I’ve completely lost my way!
5. Why is everything so difficult with my iPhone. I’m certain it’s been charged within the last 11 weeks.
6. Unpolished Pet Peeve: Adult children who still call their parents Mommy and Daddy.
7. I’d bet a hundred bucks the people who have their phones on the setting which shows others they’ve read an incoming text message have no idea their phone even has that option! 
8. Be honest; how many of you just checked your settings?
9. ‘Tis the season to shell out twenty dollar bills like pennies. Teacher gifts. Office Secret Santas. Holiday pot luck lunches. Gardeners. Pool guys. Security guards. The people who pick up the garbage. Postal carriers. Etc……. The list goes on and on.
10. I’m not a teacher, but I’m quite sure I speak for all teachers when I say they definitely don’t want a candle as a gift. They likely don’t want stationery either. Or food. Or a scarf or a pashmina you can buy at the flea market. No need to be creative. They want money. Just money! Give them cash. That is all.
11. ‘Tis is also the season to not be jolly when I get eighty-two holiday photos in the mail from people near and far. Here’s a tip: Save your card stock and the stamp. I see your kids plenty throughout the entire year on Facebook. I know how cute they are; I know how big they’ve gotten and I also know what they’ve been up to. I will not be offended if you take me off your list because I can finally stop feeling badly when I immediately throw out your season’s greetings!
12. I can’t stand when somebody replies with the word, “gotcha” to something I’ve written via text message.  It feels like they either strongly disagree with what I’ve conveyed but won’t admit it or they are now disinterested in continuing what we were discussing in the first place. Do you have an opinion on this?
13. When is the cold shoulder trend gonna go away? It’s been hanging on for a lot longer than I had hoped!
14. Speaking of the cold shoulder, how is it acceptable behavior to emoji the hell out of people via social media but in real life those same people ignore you as if you’ve never met?
15. To all the waitresses, waiters and bartenders everywhere: If you attempt to serve me a drink with your fingers touching the rim of the glass where my mouth is intended to go, I will send it back until you get it right. I don’t care how many tries it takes, I will not put my lips on your filthy, disgusting hands. Got it? Good.
16. Do regular people own anything by Balmain or is made exclusively for the likes of Kim Kardashian? 
17. How is Kim Kardashian still relevant? Let me rephrase. How was Kim Kardashian ever relevant to begin with?
18. It doesn’t matter how hot the girl is or how expensive the pants she’s wearing…. there is nothing sexy about camel toe!
19. Has anyone seen the movie Table 19? You know the one;  girl gets invited to an event and gets seated at the D List table. I’m making it an action verb, and calling it getting Table Nineteened. Have you ever gotten Table Nineteened? Oh yes, I have. Yup.  Now I wish I had given a shitty candle as a gift instead of cash!
20. For some reason unbeknownst to me, I’m having a mental block when it comes to the pronunciation and spelling of the first names, Elyse and Alyssa. I must have about ten friends whom are either Elyse’s or Alyssa’s and I can’t seem to ever get it right. Is it pronounced EEEEElyse or UHHHHlyse. And if it’s pronounced UHHHHlyse then why isn’t it spelled with an A? Is It EEEElyssa or UHHHHlyssa. Is there a Y in it or an I? Do I use two SS’s or just one? I am so confused. If you’re my friend and your name is Elyse or Alyssa, can we please come up with a nickname instead? It’d be a big help!
21. Yoga Teachers: I’m on to you. The majority of you care more about filling your class roster and being popular rather than what you claim to preach in class. If you want your students to respect your practice and the knowledge you bring to the mat then you too should be more mindful of your actions. I’ve only been exposed to the yoga world for about six years which essentially still makes me brand spanking new, but it doesn’t take a novice to figure out who’s authentic and who’s not. If you’re a fraud, Namaste away from me!
22. Fitness Trainers: Ya know what kills me? When you yell at your students in class. “God Dammit.  If you’re not gonna work hard, you’re wasting my time.” Um, I’m sorry, but please explain how I’m wasting your time? I just paid you, so how about you shut the fuck up and stop wasting my time with all your screaming? How about that, bitch?
23. I think the punishment for being naughty in lieu of nice is having to listen to Christmas caroling songs on every single radio station at all hours of the day and night between November 24th through December 25th.
24. The only thing worse than being stuck in your car with Christmas caroling songs on every single radio station is being stuck in your car listening to the Christmas caroling songs while you’re fighting bumper to bumper traffic because the snow birds have officially arrived and nobody knows how to merge, navigate a four-way stop, choose a parking spot in a crowded strip mall, wait their turn at the valet, or God forbid, drive like a normal human being in the rain.
25. Who even eats turducken anyway?