Coronavirus Mood Swings: The Unpolished Ups & Downs

We’re knee deep in it now, huh?

Sigh.

I don’t know about you, but beside being knee deep in all roads of every topic ever spoken in the last what seems like eternity month leading to the Coronavirus dead end, I’m now knee deep in erratic mood swings as it relates to all those roads leading back to none other than the same Coronavirus dead end.

How much longer until the exit? Where’s the off ramp? I wanna turn back.

While the drawn out days are moving at unimaginably slow rates of [no] return, my mood swings, conversely, are moving at a pace faster than the count of the rising death toll tally CNN keeps us apprised of at the top right hand corner of the television screen.

What kind of bad dream are we in? Have I binged too many episodes of the early years of Jack Bauer in 24 or Matt Damon in Contagion and now this is payback? Karma? Someone make it stop, Please. My sanity is at stake.

Fortunately, as of this moment I do not present any symptoms which would lead me to believe I’ve contracted COVID-19. For that, I’m incredibly grateful. However, as of this moment I’m pretty sure the characteristics of my mental highs and lows clearly present as varying degrees of symptoms which would lead me to believe I’d most definitely test positive for any number of named illnesses which fall under the I’ve Completely Lost My Mind diagnosis. One minute I’m Hannah Montana humming pop songs in my head while watching Tik-Tok videos from complete strangers on the other side of the pond and the next I’m Hannibal Lecter plotting to silence my own lambs. “Hello Clarice,”

So come on, it can’t just be me, can it? Is anyone else having erratic, unpolished Coronavirus mood swings?

Maybe you can relate to my Coronavirus Ups & Downs

Here’s Some Of The Unpolished Waves:

1. Happy Passover. Thanks for all the nice texts and memes and voice messages wishing my family a happy holiday and a Zichen Pesach. Great; thanks, a Chag Sameach to you too. But seriously, what the actual fuck? I thought we all agreed we were cancelling Passover. What happened to the nation wide decision that Elijah was bailing and our group consensus was to blow off the holiday? Thanks a lot for sending the memo in the bottom of the ninth inning plague that it’s back on the calendar via Zoom video conference. Now I’m scrambling to pull together a make shift meal, hide the afikomen and clean all the residual matzah crumbs that are currently all over my kitchen floor while on hands and knees with the dust buster. Next year, when Coronavirus is behind us, I’m letting my people go clean up their own matzah crumbs.
2. I’ve chosen to be as positive as I can possibly be during this pandemic. I’ve chosen to practice an “I can and I will” attitude at all costs. I’ve even boldly preached homemade versions of unpolished TED Talks on my driveway to whomever will listen from six feet away as to how and why the current climate of our global nation will come out the other side better, stronger, wiser and more equipped for peace and harmony when we turn the corner. Brené Brown surely would be proud how I’m taking hold of my vulnerability and ridding the shame away! She’d be rooting me on until the part of TED Talk when in mid sentence fear uninvitedly sneaks back in and I completely abort all notions of reason as I morph into Kirsten Wig’s character, Annie Walker in Bridesmaids when she becomes utterly unhinged at Lillian’s bridal shower and starts screaming like a crazy person about that stupid fucking cookie. “Look at that fucking cookie. I never got a chance to try that cookie. Oooh delicious fucking cookie.” CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE EPIC CLIP. I PROMISE YOU WILL CRACK UP!
3. Speaking of stupid, fucking cookies, the pseudo bi-polar in me decided it would be a brilliant idea to use my shelter-in-place status constructively by attempting a five day juice cleanse. This cleanse would not only literally cleanse the toxins out of my body but it would get my face out of the fridge while figuratively resetting my need to take back some semblance of control and order into my life that I’ve been lacking. It was a brilliant idea for about a hot minute until I realized the only thing worse than being hungry and angry at the same time was adding being scared to the mix. So now I’m not just hangry, I’m scangry! It should come as no surprise I’ve returned to food and wine with a vengeance; making up for the lost time by multitasking.

   

4. Initially, the neighborhood walking was great to clear my head and break a sweat. It was uplifting to see all the handcrafted rainbows in windows which have become the universal sign to ‘hang in, keep smiling, we’re all in this together.’ Waving and smiling. Waving and smiling. Repeat, repeat, repeat. But now, I’ve walked in so many circles and have done the same loop countless times a day, the houses have started to meld together. Yesterday I lost my way, unsure of which direction would take me home. I had to stop dead in my tracks and regain my bearings. It’s also been fun watching the toddlers on my block learn how to ride a bicycle for the first time without training wheels. Nostalgia sets in big time remembering when I was little and my Dad taught me as I’ve listened to parents scream down the street, “keep pedaling, keep pedaling, don’t stop, don’t stop, you got it, you got it, go, go go, don’t stop!” In a three day span, almost all of the kids I’ve been cheering on have graduated from wobble and fall mode to full on expert riders! Bravo kiddos, bravo! So what’s the problem, you ask? Now these mini Lance Armstrong’s are whizzing by so fast and furious they’re forgetting the six feet apart rule. Kids, if I can smell your fabric softener in the tailwind when you ride by, you’re way too close! Move to the other side of the street, please!
5. With the kids isolated from their friends, they’ve naturally flattened the curve on their teenaged urban dictionary jargon jabbing  just as I was getting a handle on their vocabulary. Now, we’ve all replaced those day-to-day catchphrases with the sad truths of the current hashtags: #Quarantine, #SocialDistancing, #Masks, #Gloves, #Ventilators. Not to mention #DeathToll, #Furlough and #Layoffs. I’d kill to hear, “SksSksSks, hundo p how lit is that GOAT who burned savage on this COVID? Trash now gone yo. How dope is that, bro? It’s fire.” What? I know. I don’t know either. I’ve lost my mind, remember?
6. I’m sure we’d all agree movies, mini series and streaming TV shows have been a source of solace for the masses to keep ourselves distracted from the real life documentary we are collectively starring in. For the most part, I’ve been able to stay focused on these fictional story lines; until I can’t. And then my brain begins to wander. I have seriously concocted a scenario where we live in an alternate universe with a new Coronavirus task force, This group is comprised of the badass women from Ozark and no one needs reminding that Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Now imagine four women scorned. Think about it….. If Darlene, Helen, Ruth and Wendy put their mentally deranged heads together, this COVID-19 nightmare would be blown away in no time!  You know I’m right, right?

   

Speaking of nightmares and mentally deranged heads, JUST TO LET YOU KNOW… “I do wish  I could chat longer but I’m having an old friend for dinner. Bye!”