Keep My Motor Runnin’ By Quelling The Quarantine Quandaries

The irony is not lost on me that the title of Eddie’s Money album is No Control. Moral of the story: we obviously [still] don’t have control of the Coronavirus situation. This we know too well;  but I’m here to remind you if we keep our motors runnin’ it will, undoubtedly, help quell the quarantine quandaries.

So allow me to help keep your own motor runnin’ by quelling the quarantine quandaries and indulging you with some of my unpolished thoughts over the last week. Perhaps you’ll relate:

DOGS: Is there anyone who hasn’t gotten a dog in the last six weeks? Anyone? My kids hate my guts for not caving on the dog thing, and as much as I’m desperate for new ways to win over their love and affection in an effort to keep their mental health solid and sound during this time of crisis, I absolutely will not fold on the pet front. So for all of you who have publicly welcomed new additions to your family, congrat-u-fucking-lations! Your dogs are adorable but you’re not helping my case. At all. At all, at all…

CORONAVIRUS BIRTHDAYS: During the first week of quarantine it was cute to hop in the car and do the birthday drive-by parade. At the very least, it was an activity. A little honk, a little wave, maybe even a handmade sign for those overly ambitious who want to do birthday wishing right! Guess what folks? It’s week “I’ve lost count” and those birthday drive-bys aren’t as fun as they once used to be. C’mon, you know the familiar text:

Hi. It’s Mikey’s birthday today. I feel so badly we can’t celebrate properly. So I was hoping you and the boys would drive by later and do a car parade. 5pm, okay? Oh, and it’s a surprise so don’t say anything.”

The only thing I’m not saying [until now] is how these drive-bys have completely lost their luster. And newsflash, it’s not a surprise anymore. Cat’s out of the bag. Your kid knows. He/she is expecting something. So if we still have to do it, it’s time to step it up a notch. Let me go on record as saying if by September we are still on lockdown, I expect a helluva lot more than a honk and a wave for my birthday parade. I want full on parallel parking and K-turns as part of my celebration! And if we’re kicking it up, I guess I should acknowledge the people at Card My Yard who’s motto is “skip the card, stake the yard!” This rental service, created by two savvy Moms, serves over 120 locations nationwide. They deliver, install and even better, deal with the removal after the occasion. Even if we beat Coronavirus, and I know we will, I’m wondering if I can get away with using Card My Yard for my son’s upcoming Bar Mitzvah decorations and calling it a day!

ZOOM MEETINGS: I dare anyone to argue before a month or so ago the relevance of a Zoom meeting wasn’t nil and now you’re like, “Oh fuck. Another Zoom? Please make it stop. Thank God my Internet is spotty; I can’t bare another meeting. It’s more like a Doom meeting rather than a Zoom meeting. Uncle Bob, move your elbow. Wait, click the unmute button. It’s the one on the bottom of the screen. What? Can you hear us now? Yes, we can see you guys, but you gotta sit farther back. You’re way too close to the screen.” You agree, we’re all over it, right? Right. Motion to ban Zoom meetings? All in favor say aye. AYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MY NEW OCCUPATION, CLEANING LADY EXTRAORDINAIRE: If I’ve learned nothing over the last several weeks I’ve learned how to apply elbow grease to the tubs and toilets; not to mention the extra effort it takes to erase those fingerprints on stainless steel appliances. Further, my mission to mop has been meet with the help of O-Cedar’s EasyWring spin mop and bucket system. Would you believe the bucket has a foot pedal built in that you press down on to wring out the excess water? It’s fabulous. I’ve fully taken advantage of this innovation.

My foyer however, no longer is the catch-all for Jay Strongwater candles and picture frames but rather it is the Mecca Center for my cleaning supplies. When we emerge back to life as we once knew it, I’m strongly considering enlisting my friends to help in a start-up housekeeping business! Instead of chamber maids, I’m calling it Chamber Babes: We Polish What’s Unpolished. I think we could make a fortune! Who wants to run a patent search?

INSTACART: Just when I was done apologizing to all my friends who used to harass me for not using Venmo once I finally realized it might be the greatest invention of all time, I have now come to fall in love with Instacart. Is there anything better than clicking a few buttons and without even having to wave a magic wand…. POOF! At your door miraculously appears products you have asked the Universe for? I mean, if that isn’t a warranted silver lining of Coronavirus I don’t know what is!

NEW WORDS TO ADD TO MY VOCABULARY: This week I added a few more words to my Coronavirus vocabulary repertoire. Epidemiologists, nasopharyngeal swab, syndromic surveillance, three-phase re-opening plan and DEBORAHBIRXSCARVES. This is the name of the Instagram account which posts all of Dr. Birx signature scarves she wears on a daily basis. Coronavirus Response Coordinator aside, Deb’s become quite the fashionista.

IN HONOR OF THE CLASS OF 2020: If I’m being totally honest, I’m conflicted on my feelings as it relates to how the Class of 2020 has been cheated out on life. I know, I know, the Prom. It’s a big deal. I know, I know, Graduation. It’s a big deal. They’ve all worked incredibly hard. I get it and feel badly they will miss out. But they are missing out on something they’ve never had so what are they comparing it to? Can they really be missing out on something if they’ve never experienced it to begin with? Cliff notes: The Prom is fun for the first forty-five minutes until your best friend gets into a fight with his/her date and then you’re left cleaning up the mess. The Graduation is fun for the first forty-five minutes until you realize the Principal is going alphabetically and is only on the letter C so  it’s gonna take about another three hours before they call your name to receive your diploma. By then, you’ll be sweating bloody murder in your gown, will have lost the extra tassel on your cap which lets everyone know you’re smarter than the kid behind you and the post-grad party plans will have changed four times over. The way I look at it, unpolished as it may be, the graduating class of 2020 is packed with kids who are brilliant self-starters, leaders in their own right, kids who while have clearly been forced to grow up at an exponentially faster rate than those just a year ahead of them and are now not just witnessing history in the making but are an integral part in rewriting history for our future will still have their time to shine. In my unpolished opinion, we honor the graduating class of 2020 even more so by acknowledging their strength, their willingness to dive in and their courage to play the hand they’ve been dealt no matter what the circumstances. Graduates of 2020, welcome to the College of Life. There is no syllabus. Class starts NOW. Here’s your first assignment: ask your parents how the Hell they were able to get their hands on their High School picture so quickly and post it on social media. I wouldn’t know the first place to look to find my High School yearbook! Mom, if you’re reading this blog, do you have my High School Senior year picture? I sure don’t!

JUST TO LET YOU KNOW… As the weeks drag on it’s become clear we have all been either directly or indirectly affected by Coronavirus. The number of cases are staggering and the death toll unimaginable. I continue to believe however, the best way to mitigate our angst and uncertainty about the future and quell our quarantine quandaries is to be positive and maintain humor whenever possible. So please, I’ll keep my motor runnin’ if you keep your motor runnin’ too. 

Stay healthy. Stay safe. Stay unpolished!