Phlegm Phlegm Go Away. Come Again Another Day

I’ve been under the weather for dayzzz.  I’m not laid up in bed anymore, but I’m definitely not a hundred percent yet either.  My usual agenda of unpolished activities is still in a holding pattern.

I gotta get back to my sched. 

In all honesty, I really shouldn’t complain because it’s been two whole years since I’ve been sick. That’s huge for someone like me.  I never talk about it, but I have a compromised immune system so having been able to avoid illness for this long is a major blessing that I don’t ever take for granted.  In my unpolished world, health is wealth!

I don’t wanna get on a whole yoga tangent but I seriously think the two year clean bill of health stretch is directly related to my yoga practice.  It can’t be a coincidence that my frequent sinus infections and lingering colds completely ceased when I began a steady yoga routine.  It’s just another reason why I love yoga.  It keeps me going…with the flow…. Literally!

Okay, moving on… Even though the first few days of my winter cold hit me like a ton of bricks, I didn’t mind.  I actually welcomed the needed rest.  I never rest and I never sleep so making myself do both was like a forced vacation.  I didn’t leave the house and I didn’t talk to a living soul.  I didn’t talk to anyone partially because I didn’t want to and partially because I couldn’t.  I had full blown laryngitis.  I think it was as much of a treat for my husband and kids as it was for me.  Bonus all around!

SICK MOM & WIFE = TOO TIRED TO CARE ABOUT POOR BEHAVIOR = NO YELLING!

So it’s eleven days later and I’m finally over the brunt of it except for that annoying-as-fuck cough that won’t go away. You know the one?  The cough that other people roll their eyes at when they hear it?  That lingering cough that sounds like you’re hacking up a lung every seven seconds?  That tickle?  From the drip in the back of the throat?  Yah, you know!  That one.  It blows!

Enough is enough is enough.

 I gotta get back to my sched.

I’ve tried everything and I can’t seem to get that last bit of phlegm to go away.

Really, I’ve tried it all!  I even made a list of the tricks I’ve tried to get that PHUCKING PHLEGM to fade.

10 Unpolished Tricks I’ve Tried To Fade The Phucking Phlegm:

1.  Yes, I went to the doctor.  I sat in the waiting room for thirty-seven minutes with every other coughing fool just so she could confirm what I pretty much already knew.  It wasn’t the Flu.  Thank God.  She did a Strep Test, took my temp, scoped my nose and listened to my breathing.  The culture came back negative so she wrote me a script for a steroid and told me to rest.  She said to cool it with the exercise for a while.  No running.  No hot yoga.  She also assured me I wouldn’t get fat from a 5 day dose of Prednisone.  Oh, you watch Doc.  I’m sure I can prove you wrong on that one! 

2.  They say you’re supposed to feed a cold and starve a fever.  Okay, I can do that.  It’s not like I’d be lucky enough to lose my appetite or anything.  I don’t have a fever so I’ll kick the cold by stuffing my face.  Awesome.

Only, if I see another bowl of matzah ball soup I might die.  Or float away.  Seriously, I think making people eat soup when they’re sick is just a big marketing ploy.  It doesn’t work; instead it just makes you hot.  Not sexy hot, just hot.  And sweaty.  And it leaves a false sense of hope for clearing up your nasal passages.   My middle name on my birth certificate is Mara but after all the matzah balls I’ve eaten over the past eleven days I’m contemplating changing it.

Rachel Mara Matzah Silver-Cohen.

It has a nice ring to it, huh?  I wonder if people will know I’m Jewish.

3.  Drinking tea doesn’t work either.  It just makes you nauseous.  Does that happen to you too?  Excessive tea makes me want to puke.  I’ve already gone through an entire jar of honey.  That helps a little for about a split second, until it doesn’t.  I tried sprinkling in some cayenne pepper.  I figured I’d kill two birds with one stone and boost up my metabolism while trying to boost back up my immune system.  It wasn’t such a bright idea.  Wanna know why?  Cuz it just makes you cough more.  I’m a moron.

4.  The Neti Pot.  What a fucking joke.  Save your money and your time.  The Neti Pot can suck my left tit because it certainly can’t suck the phlegm out of my throat.  Fuck you Neti Pot.  I want my money back!

5.  The Gag Reflex.  The phlegm is right there.  I can feel it.  I can taste it.  (Gross, I know.)   It’s just milling around in my esophagus.  I know it wants to come out.  I’ve tried a thousand times to cough it up.  I can barely breathe from all the choking.  My stomach muscles hurt so much from the coughing that I’ve convinced myself I have a fresh, new, six pack underneath the sweats I’ve been wearing for A LOT of consecutive days.

At the end of each round of coughing attacks it feels as though I’m gonna gag and then barf.  I wish I could gag it out.  It would make me feel so much better if I could gag and get that mucus-y, green phlegmfucker out… but it just won’t come up.  Stubborn piece of shit phlegm!  It starts to travel up and then slides back down.  I must have swallowed the same damn hock of phlegm a dozen fucking times.  It’s not budging.

6.  I’ve been sent to the sofa for the past week and a half to cough soothe myself to sleep.  Apparently, my repetitive throat clearing attempts interrupt the eight hours of zzzz’s my husband needs.  Who knows?  A location change might be exactly what I need to bury this cough once and for all.  Except……….Now I have an aching back to go along with my aching throat from sleeping on a shitty couch.  Perfect.

7.  Maybe a massage will help get rid of the phlegm?  Sure.  That’s what I’ll do.  I’ll have a masseuse rub the toxins out of me.  I know that will help.  While we’re at it, he can also fix my back.  Picture it: Face down.  Naked.  I’m alternating between sweating and freezing body temperatures.  First my left nostril gets stuffed while my face is stuck in the head rest.  Slowly, my left nostril clears.  Now it’s the right nostril’s turn to get clogged.  There’s definitely no sign of any mucus to blow into a tissue, but the nostril is fully clogged nonetheless.  Don’t you hate that?  Cough.  Cough.  Choke.  Sit up.  Gag.  Keep coughing.  Ask for water.  Choke again.  Cue the onset of a splitting headache.  Forget it.  I’ll keep the toxins.  I gotta get out of here.

8.  I’ve been on the wagon for days as I try to nurse myself back to good health.  I haven’t had a sip of alcohol.  Nada.  (I mean, not unless you include whatever alcohol is contained in the two bottles of NyQuil I’ve already knocked off.) However, desperate times call for desperate measures.  I’m starting to think that a bump of scotch might actually do the trick.  What’s the harm?  It will kill the lingering phlegm, won’t it?   Hell, it’s worth a shot.  No pun intended.

9.  Gasping for air while coughing all night long might do wonders on the abs but it scores fairly low on the romance scale.  Clearly, we can’t be thrown’ it down between the sheets if I’m constantly hacking and sneezing.  I need to conserve my energy!  Not to mention, it’s pretty tough to have any one-on-one contact when you’ve been booted out of the bedroom and into another room to sleep.  I guess it’s a good thing I left the box of tissues behind.  He can take care of himself.  Go for it.  Have a blast!  What do I care?   I can’t breathe.  My head is so stuffed up.  I didn’t want to bang him anyway.

10.  Ooohhhhh, so now you’re inviting me to come back into our bed?  Hmmmm.  I wonder why?   It’s not rocket science, Romeo.  I got you figured out.  You’re sick and tired of me being sick and tired and now you want some real attention.  Spit it out.  Admit it,  you want to get laid, don’t you?  Alright.  Settle down.  I hear you.  Actually it’s not such a bad idea.  Nothing else has worked.  Maybe if I bend over you can fuck the phlegm out of me!  I still feel like shit so we shouldn’t breathe on each other.  Don’t kiss me either because I don’t wanna start passing germs back and forth.  If His Royal Highness gets sick because I coughed on him I’ll never hear the end of it and that’s the last thing I need.  Let’s face it, the fellas are THE BIGGEST PUSSIES when they get sick.  Am I wrong?  When a man catches a case of the sniffles, one might think the sky is falling and life is coming to an abrupt end.  So here’s the deal: we can have sex but if you get sick it’s gonna be your problem, not mine.

See?  I’ve tried everything.  I’m still coughing.  I need to get that last bit of phlegm up and out and gone for good.  What am I missing?  I need help!

You got any suggestions?

JUST TO LET YOU KNOW… I think I’ve covered all the bases on this one.  I don’t have much else to let you know other than I gotta get rid of this lingering phlegm.  So whaddaya say it’s YOUR turn to let ME know what I should do.  What are the tricks you’ve tried to fade the PHUCKING PHLEGM?   I neeeedddd to get back to my sched!