Youth Basketball Mom

“MOM…. Where’s my uniform?”

“MOM…. What time is my game?’

“MOM… We can’t be late or else our team gets an automatic foul.”

“MOM… Who else is coming to watch me play today?”

“MOM…. Can you help me find my lucky water bottle?”

“MOM…. I think my sports goggles need to be tightened.”

“MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM”

Hey all your sports Moms (and Dads too for that matter)…… does any of that sound familiar?

My kids, who were once the mecca of all things superheroes and Thomas The Train have now been officially drafted into the mecca of all things sports, sports and more sports; but specifically as of late, they’ve been drafted into the world of none other than, Youth Basketball!

That’s right.  Youth Basketball… It’s taken over my life.

Two kids.  Three different teams.  Three, sometimes four different practices on three different days.  I’m up to my eyeballs in the Rec leagues and now we’ve added a travel league to boot.

Have I mentioned that Youth Basketball has taken over my life?

Wanna know something though?  I kinda like it.  Actually, I really like it.  I proudly schlep my nylon folding chair to every damn outdoor practice and watch these kids run up and down the court seven hundred times.  When practice is over and I’m itching to split because I’ve reached my daily limit of dodging those nasty mosquitos, I somehow still agree to stick around so they can play forty-two more games of Knock-Out.   I think this “Basketball Queen” deserves an AND 1 for that!

Not gonna lie….  It’s a royal pain in the ass that the trunk of my car looks less like a palace and more like somebody raided Sports Authority.  I guess that’s par for the course when you have sport jesters as sons!

Youth Basketball:  FULL COURT PRESS

Whomever thinks that Youth Basketball can’t fill an arena a middle school gymnasium is wrong!  It never ceases to amaze me when a big crowd turns up on game day week in and week out.  I get such a kick out of seeing the section of Grandparents who turn into fanatics as they root for the kids.

Go David!  Pass it to Solomon!  Shoot it, Joseph!  Atta boy Ethan!  Way to go, Joshua!  Daniel, DRIBBLE it!  There’s three seconds on the clock…. Noah, TAKE THE SHOT!   Oy vey! 

I’m no exception.  I scream like mad for my kids.  My seven year old gives me the evil eye when I’m cheering too loudly.  He practically growls in my face while insisting that I be quieter because I’m embarrassing him in front of his teammates.  I have to bite my tongue from going berserk when he stuffs the ball and I’m under strict orders to keep the clapping to a minimum.  I can’t pull any fast breaks with that one!

The nine year old is another story.  I think he gets off on the noisy crowds and I’m convinced it fuels his fire to play harder.  He’s an aggressive little baller and has high hopes of making it big one day.

“Mom, when I’m older and play in the NBA are you going to come to all my games?”

“Ummmm.  Errrr.  Well…..  We should probably discuss a backup plan if that doesn’t work out, but sure pal I’ll be there!”

He takes his position so seriously one might say he’s praying on the court!

I admire his passion for competition but sometimes it’s that very intensity which ends up getting him fouled out of the game!

“Number 20.  Yellow.  Technical foul.   That’s five.  On the bench.  You’re out!”

Those car rides home can be especially fun for the basketball Mom.  Yah right.  Not exactly! 

Youth Basketball:  THE RULES

If you think the rules of Youth Basketball are pretty straight forward, think again!  The rules are questionable, at best.  The quarters aren’t really quarters.  They’re more like sevenths or eighths.  Are you confused by that?  Good!  You should be, because it makes NO LOGICAL SENSE!  The time clock also has a mind of its own.  Let’s just say the boys and girls who get paid five bucks to man the clock are surely not measuring the seconds against the Greenwich Mean.  I wish I had a dollar for every time somebody shouted, “STOP THE CLOCK.”

Keeping score is equally absurd.  Have you ever heard of taking foul shots at half time and those points counting toward the final score?  And God bless the volunteers who give their free time to ref the games.  Quite frequently, these “retirees” don’t always see eye to eye with the coaches when making a call.  My unpolished guess is that the refs can’t always see eye to eye because some of them are about one hundred years old and their eyes literally CAN’T SEE anything… least of which, the last play!   You think I’m kidding?

Youth Basketball:  OUT OF BOUNDS BEHAVIOR

Wanna know my favorite unpolished part about Youth Basketball?  It’s not the actual game.  Nope!  The real excitement comes when there is in fact a discrepancy over a call.  That’s when the shit hits the fan and the fireworks start!

If only the league allowed food in the gym I’d be breaking out a huge vat of popcorn to eat while I watch the calamity unfold!  Free admission folks… Come on down and sit court side while respectable members of our community ( A.K.A. “PARENTS”) start throwing F bombs around in front of the kids as they go balls to the wall postal bananas on each other over something as utterly ridiculous as YOUTH BASKETBALL!!!!!!  Can’t you just picture it?

Unpolished Level: DEFCON 5. We are at war!

 The entertainment is priceless and the behavior is so unpolished that I never want the season to end.  Never ever!  I want it to go on indefinitely!  You can’t make this shit up!

 JUST TO LET YOU KNOW… Being a Youth Basketball Mom really is great and I wouldn’t trade it for anything despite all the crazy rules and team nonsense.  At times when the leagues get hectic and I start to panic over how to get it all done I remind myself not to complain as it could be soooooo much worse….. Like for instance, what if I had to be a DANCE MOM?  Now THAT would be a whole other unpolished ball game!